31 Days of Halloween 2018

Hey everyone! Sorry I’ve been so MIA from the blog, I’ve spent the last month and a half working on #31daysofhalloween which meant a new look every day for the month of October. If you don’t know already I’m very passionate about makeup, especially special effects & face/ body painting! Doing makeup helps me relax, and stay creative. I love that you can bring art to life with your body! Last October I attempted to put out a new look for all 31 days but failed around the half way point, it really hard!!! But this year I was determined, and with the help of encouragement and kind words from my friends and family I was able to finish all 31 looks, which I want to share with you now. 🙂

This final look is from 2016, but not posted before this year 🤷🏻‍♀️

I hoped you liked all 31 looks!! All the product details and inspiration lists are available on my Instagram & the one collab I did was with my friend Morgan Morgansinstagram

Thanks for checking out my work,

BIG LOVE,

Ash ❤️

Goodbye, Dad

Last Thursday I said goodbye to my Dad. I had the honour to speak at his funereal today & I’d like to share with you my words…

Hello, I want to first thank you all for coming. For those of you who don’t know me I am Randy’s daughter Ashleigh. It brings me great joy to see all of you turn up to honour the life of the man who stepped into my life and took me in as his own when I was just 10 years old.

Randy was one of the bravest men I have ever met, I mean he married my Mum. No disrespect to Mum, she’s lovely, but she did come with two children and two very territorial cats. You should of seen our cat Oliver when a new man came into our lives, not the most welcoming animal peeing on almost everything Randy brought over to our place.

When Randy first came into our lives I remembered him as the food guy. He was trying to win over my Mum with food, and constantly sending her home with the most delicious meals. His Russian chicken is my favourite. And I loved that he always had sea salt and pepper chips.

Randy was far from perfect, but that’s what made him perfect for our family. I can’t imagine it’s easy to adopt a prepackaged family, but he did it with love and ease. I am so thankful for everything he has done for our family, and for everything that he has taught us, which is a lot because let’s be honest Randy could talk forever.

Over the years I got to know Randy very well, we used to go to the gym together in the early mornings. Four a.m. was worth it to beat the crowd for both of us introverts. He drove my friends and I around constantly and when I was finally allowed to get my licence he taught me how to drive and bought me my first car. Randy’s generosity was overwhelming, he always made sure we were taken care of and would go the extra mile to make sure we were happy.

Randy was always there for me, even though my moody teenage years, when I’d pick fights for no reason. I was looking though some old memory boxes and I found a report from seventh grade I had written all about my family, I wrote “my favourite thing about Randy is annoying him and watching his temper flare” poor Randy I was a handful, but he never gave up on me and for that I am forever thankful.

He taught me how to work hard and to stand up for what you believe in. I’ll never forget the time Randy’s MP3 player gave out & we went to future shop to get a replacement, but it wasn’t covered under warranty. Well Randy believed he was getting a new MP3 player and told them a piece of his mind, all we got was kicked out of the store.

My family has lost an important member. I will miss Randy dearly, and the lessons he taught me will never be forgotten, I feel so blessed to be Randy’s daughter. Thank you, Randy for everything. I love you. Rest peacefully. Thank you all for gathering to celebrate the life of my Dad.

❤️

Thank you for reading.

Ashleigh Leanne

Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT) What is it???

DBT is a broad-based cognitive – behavioral treatment plan with a strong focus on mindfulness. It is a therapy that was originally developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan, a strong woman struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder, that wanted to come up with a treatment plan for chronically suicidal individuals that are struggling getting through everyday life. DBT was developed to treat BPD, which is why it was introduced to me. However, I am a firm believer that the skills taught in DBT would be life changing to anybody.

The overall goal of DBT skills training is to help individuals change behavioral, emotional, thinking and interpersonal patterns associated with problems in living. DBT emphasizes the importance of the adaptive value of emotions and understanding them. The skills are based on the view that emotions are brief, involuntary, full systemed patterned responses to external and internal stimuli. Modifying any part of the emotional system is likely to change the functioning of the entire system.

The treatment function of DBT is to enhance individuals capability by increasing the skillful behavior, so the individual can improve and maintain motivation to change and engage with treatment. DBT aims to ensure that generalization to change occurs through treatment, and assist the individuals in restructuring or changing their environment in such a way that it supports and maintains progress and advancement towards goals. It’s taught under seven assumptions;

1. People are doing the best they can. All people at any given point in time are doing the best they can.
2. People want to improve. The common characteristic of all people is that they want to improve their lives and be happy.
3. People need to do better, try harder and be more motivated to change. The fact that people are doing the best they can, and want to do better does not mean that these things are enough to solve the problem. We have to want to improve, continually grow and get better.
4. We may not have caused all of our problems, but we have to solve them anyway. People have to have change in their own behavioral responses and alter their environment to see any change.
5. New behavior has to be learned in all relevant contexts. New behavioral skills must be practiced in the situations where the skills are needed not just in the situation where the skills are learned.
6. All behaviors are caused. There is always a cause or set of causes for out actions thoughts and emotions even if we do not know what the causes are.
7. Figuring out and changing the causes of behavior work better than judging and blaming. It is easier to judge and blame, but if we want to create change in the world we have to change the chains of events that cause the unwanted behaviors.

DBT is broken into four modules 1.Mindfulness and 2.Distress Tolerances which teach acceptance skills and Interpersonal 3.Effectiveness and 4.Emotion Regulation which teach change skills. Mindfulness teaches the ability to consciously experience and observe oneself and surrounding events without judgement. Mindfulness is the core skill of DBT, and the backbone to the next three skills, where you learn how to change your own behaviors, emotions, and thoughts that are linked to causing you misery and distress.

Hey everyone, thank you for reading. I am very passionate about DBT as it has helped me save my own life (more than once), and all around be a better person. I am so grateful that it was introduced to me and how the skills have come to change my life for the better. I am so better off with these skills in my back pocket, and I really hope that they can help you too.  If you are struggling at all please know that I am a safe ear to reach out to, and that even though asking for help is paralyzing- know that you are worth it. You have already survived your toughest moments. Your resilience is amazing, and you deserve your life completely. Know that you are enough, and that I love you. Let’s work together to end the stigma surrounding mental health, we all have it and we are all deserving of our best lives ever.

BIG LOVE
AshleighLeanne

Splitting & BPD

Hey everyone! I wanted to take a quick moment to say hello before I start the post. I’ve noticed an influx of viewers over the past few weeks and I want to officially welcome you to my blog! I also want to thank you guys for all the support you have given me, I am beyond appreciative. That being said, let’s get into the post. 

The other day I was sitting around hating on myself, discouraged at where life was at wondering why I had to have the burden of being alive. Just moments prior to that it I had been dancing around the kitchen with a cup of coffee praising the day and singing to my cats. In absolute disgust I was starting to see the extremes in my thinking pattern.

And then it hit me, I was in the middle of a mood swing. Recognizing I am in a mood swing is very new to me, I usually know I’ve had them after looking back and reevaluating the day, but it is rare for me to catch them while they’re happening. In a matter of 45 minutes I went from loving my life, to wanting to give up and not one thing out of the ordinary had happened. As a person with BPD I am prone to very intense feelings and black and white thinking, psychologically referred to as splitting.

By definition splitting is the inability to see the difference of both positive and negative thoughts or hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs which are often associated with how we think and feel about other people, and ourselves.

Splitting can happen to anybody, it’s not exclusive to those living with BPD. Chances are if you’re human you’ve experienced splitting at some point of your life. It is a natural coping mechanism humans have as children to help protect from complex feeling, strong anxiety and stressful situations, it’s why children quickly bounce from one emotional extreme to another. Generally through childhood we learn to see the gray area and stop viewing the world as black and white. However, if you’re someone who lives with BPD there is a high chance that you may not have developed that skill set as a child and are programmed to see the world black and white. With BPD splitting happens all the time. EVERYTHING is either absolutely amazing, or complete shit and there is no in between. It is why someone with BPD can quickly change from idealization to devaluation like the flip of a switch.

Only seeing in extremes can definitely have a negative impact on your life, especially when thinking in these extremes makes it nearly impossible to see how these splitting thoughts are making the situation much worse, stopping you from viewing a situation how it really is rather than though polarized lenses.  This type of thinking damages your sense of self, well-being, happiness, and relationships.

Luckily for me I have been fortunate enough to have been enrolled in DBT which has been great in addressing my all or nothing thinking patterns. To think dialectally is to  integrate two seemingly opposite things to find the gray area in between, understanding that things are not black and white. Essentially, thoughts, emotions, or experiences can co-exist. Two things can be very different or seemingly in conflict with one another, yet they can still each hold a bit of truth. When examining something through dialectics, we look for the facts on both sides, and see how the truth merges between the two sides.

So, how do you cope with splitting?

The first step is courage. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and realize that most things in your life you can’t control. Acceptance there is no such thing as perfection. Nobody is perfect, or anything is perfect, it doesn’t exist. Pay attention to extreme thinking, ”i hate this…” “this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me…” Do your best to catch judgement, and question it when you notice. Try not to evaluate a situation as good or bad. And lastly, just remember that you are doing your best and that you cannot control majority of what ever happens. Just let it be. It’s difficult, it takes courage, but it definitely is worth it.

.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, a Book Review!

Hello Friends!

Today I bring to you another novel review. This year has been a year of reading for me so far, I find myself flying through books. I set a goal for myself to achieve reading at least 2 novels per month this year and so far I’m ahead of schedule. For the last 90 days I have made it  a point to read everyday and and the habit has improved many aspects of my life. First and most importantly reading gives me a sense of relaxation. Winding down at the end of the night with a good book is without a doubt my favorite way to spend the evening. It doesn’t matter how stressful your life can be, slipping into a good book is a great escape. Not to mention the knowledge you gain, as well as improved focus and concentration (an area in life I struggle in.) Anyway, that’s enough babbling. I guess what I’m saying is pick up a damn book!

That being said, I’m ready to get into the good stuff. In The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck, Mark Manson explains a counterintuitive approach to living a good life. In the beginning of the novel Mark outlines that the desire for more positive experiences is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. In his words he describes this backwards law as a total mind-fuck. He that the more we pursue feeling better all the time, the less satisfied you feel because pursuing something reinforces the face that we lack it in the first place. The concept is the backbone of this novel, explaining that you will be a happier person if you flip you’re perspective, and wrap your head around this mind-fuck.

Mark’s writing style is hilarious, raw and vulgar. He takes us through nine chapters that show the reader how to determine what in their life really matters based option their specific values. The novel throws away the idea that there is such a thing has having no problems. In a word with no problems the only positive outlook would be to create better problems, which is exactly what Mark intends for you to do. There is no such thing as living a perfect life, for example I’m sure Queen Bey has financial problems, she just has better financial problems than me… Get what I mean? There’s always going to be problems, so by changing your values, and what you decide to give a fuck about to you can create better problems for yourself.

Overall I found the novel wonderful to read, I found myself struggling to put it down! I loved how blunt Mark writes, it really helped to cement the fact that we’re only given so much time on this Earth, so why are we wasting our time caring about such pointless things? After reading this I felt lighter, like I cared less, and that is a win. The less fucks to give, the better. If you’re looking for a new read, I definitely recommend picking it up!!!

Thanks for reading everyone! If you have any book recommendations for me please leave them in the comments! I wasn’t kidding when I said I was flying through books!

BIG LOVE
AshleighLeanne

Getting Organized April 2018

Hey guys!! Happy Easter! Hope you’re all having a wonderful day with lots of love, family, and friends!

Holy smokes! Hard to believe it’s already April????!!! This year is FLYING! The second quarter of the year creeped up on me fast! Anyone else find the days skipping away faster than ever? I was feeling down on myself the other day about not having accomplished as much as I’d wanted to by this time. I first want to stress that this is okay as a reminder to you, and to me. If you are not yet where you want to me, THAT IS OKAY, you are always doing the best that you can. And second, what I decided to do was take yesterday and today to reevaluate my goals and routines to see what kind of changes I need to implement to improve my life!

Yesterday I hooked up my printer and printed off a bunch of inspirational quotes, and pictures to create a vision board! After I hung them I wrote out a morning routine that I plan to practice daily over April! Each day I want to start off with meditation, affirmations, visualization, exercise and journalling. I have practiced this routine periodically here and noticed small improvements throughout my days, so I am committing to this for a month to see where it gets me! & yes you can expect I did a this morning routine for 30 days and… blog post coming next month!

Chances are you’ve heard of bullet journalling, it’s been blowing up over the past few years! If you haven’t heard of it, it’s a completely customizable systematized notebook to keep your planner, journal, and to -do list all in one place, originally developed by Ryder Caroll. I first got into bullet journalling last year, as a way to express my creativity and attempt to finally stay organized! Not only does using my BuJo give me the opportunity to be productive creatively, but it’s also introduce additional times for Mindfulness as well! So of course the next thing I did was prep my bullet journal for April! This morning I decided to opt for 1 mega weekly to do list instead of individual days to save time, and also because I also use a monthly calendar!

The calendar I use is a 2018 Kate Spade planner, boujee I know. But I had to have it, and luckily I picked it on sale at Chapters. I used my planner to keep track of my fitness routine, and my meal prep. An area in my life that I slack in, so here’s hoping I can step it up with green juice and cardio! My favorite way to do cardio is dancing along with the  TheFitnessMarshall I also plan my yoga routine for the month, this month I am following a new series on YogaWithAdriene

If you follow my blog you’ll know I have an obsession with stationary so it’s probably note a surprise that I use 2 other notebooks to organize my life. The first is just a journal, I journal A LOT, so I have a specific diary if you will, this is just a place where I can drain my thoughts of all the gibberish in them so that I can concentrate on whatever else I need to. I am always unapologetically myself in this books, just a place to record the inside of my mind. I always keep this handy when I’m organizing, or any time really, it helps to write a few paragraphs if I can’t quite focus on tasks productively.

The last book I use is my master notebook, the book I use for everything and anything. I plan makeup looks and blog posts, take notes when I’m reading or watching YouTube videos. I keep track of ideas and inspiration, and art. Anything that I have to do for my Twitch Channel or Blog. I also use this book to make action plans for my goals, and step by step lists of the tasks I need to complete to achieve them! If you follow KalynNicholson on YouTube you’ll have heard of her JYST Sundays, “Get Your Shit Together” days, I kinda consisder this my JYST book, if you get what I mean.

& the last thing I did, which is going to be right after I post this blog is take a hot shower, make a tea and settle down with a book for the evening!

I am so excited to take on tomorrow, and be moving step by step towards my goals! Thanks for reading guys! Don’t feel discouraged if you’re not where you need to be, you can always get back on track to your goals!

BIG LOVE
AshleighLeanne

Living in the Moment?

By definition mindfulness is intentionally paying attention and accepting the present moment non judgmentally. If you are new to the idea of mindfulness try thinking of it as a way of maintaining a clean mental space. Many people have a preconceived idea that mindfulness is just meditating, and while being mindful is a part of meditation,  mindfulness can be practiced anywhere.

Are you sitting in front of a screen reading my blog right now? Mindfulness is being aware that you are reading my blog through a screen, and there is no other thoughts fighting for your attention. Mindfulness is putting your attention into the present and not worrying about the past or future. A lot of people confused to hear that they are not living in the present moment. So often we are bogged down with what happened in the past and the anxieties of the future.

After reading the novel The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle my perception of the present moment has changed. “Now” is the only time, there is no such thing as the future and the present they are just concepts and labels. The novel explains that undoubtedly when the past happened it was the now, and when the future will happen in the now.

This theory helped me to direct my attention into the present moment. Spending a lot more time in the present, especially going through DBT therapy I started to realize how important mindfulness really is. If you google mindfulness there are various articles on how it is good for you physical, psychological and emotional health.

Examples include:

• Reduced Stress
• Reduced Emotional Reactivity
• Reduced Anxiety
• Reduced Complusive Behaviour
• Improve Relaxation
• Better Sense of Self and Well Being
• Improved Relationships
• & SO MUCH MORE!

I challenge you to set aside some time, get comfortable, set your intentions and challenge yourself to stay mindful. Pay attention to everything you are taking in through your senses. Take your time, focus on your breath and spend your time being aware in the now.

Do any of you practice mindfulness? What is your favorite way to practice?

BIG LOVE
AshleighLeanne

25 Facts About Me!!!

Hello, Everyone 🙂 I hope you’re having a fantastic day… I know I am. At least the day I’m writing this anyway! I wanted to share a post sharing a little more about myself, and since I’ve just recently turned 25 I thought I would give you guys 25 Random Facts About Me! Which if you’re nosy like myself, you’ll probably enjoy this post so don’t forget to subscribe!!! (I’m jokin’) But then again, I’m biased, this is about me.

Ok I’m just kidding around, and stalling really because I don’t know what fact to start with hahaha OK here she goes!

1. I love makeup! I am a self taught makeup artist who dabbles in all areas, including face and body painting, special effects makeup, and beauty/glam makeup as well! My favorite products are highlighter and lipstick!
    
   

   

   
2. My favorite colour is yellow! It resembles happiness to me!
3. I am obsessed with stationary, I used to joke it was the illusion of productivity I was getting. I have a massive collection of notebooks, both used and empty just waiting to be written in.
4. Speaking of writing, I love journalling. I have always written in a journal, but for the longest time I was too embarrassed to keep the journal so I’d rip them up and throw them out. I keep them now that I’m older, and sometimes it’s fun to go back and read over old entries.
5. If you regularly read my blog, you know that I live with BorderlinePersonalityDisorder. I was diagnosed in April 2017 when I was also diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. After diagnosis I became very passionate about helping people struggling with mental health problems as I struggled in the dark for a long time, but reaching out for help was one of the best things I have ever did. I am very passionate about breaking the stigma surrounding mental illness, in hopes that one day people that are struggling will not be afraid to reach out for help.
6. When I was three I fell in the shower, ripped the ceramic soap dish off the wall and smashed myself in the face with it! I had to go to the hospital to get stitches! I remember getting a green popsicle and I still have the scar on my forehead!
7. The easiest way to describe my music taste is to tell you that the only tunes I don’t like are screamo and opera. But my favorite genre is reggae.
8. My favorite foods are peanut butter and sushi, especially spicy cali rolls Mmmm. I didn’t always like sushi, but I forced myself to eat it so I could go on cute sushi dates and developed a life long addiction!
9. I regularly live stream on Twitch! You can visit my channel at twitch.tv/ashleighleanne I started streaming on Twitch with the intention to make new friends and jump out of my comfort zone and I am so happy I did! Our Twitch family has grown so much in the last few months to a community who loves and supports each other. ❤
   
10. Pumpkin Spice everything = life. Call me a basic white girl if you want, but there is no denying a hot pumpkin spice soy latte on a brisk fall day is the best thing in the world, with a pumpkin spice candle burning, while you nibble on a pumpkin spice scone.
11. I am extremely clumsy, in every way possible. Butter fingers is an understatement, I am the messiest eater, my legs are constantly covered in bruises & I break things easily. (I have literally gone through 20 phones since I was 16 – and funny story the first phone I ever broke is because I dropped it in a bowl of cereal and it conked out with milk damage.
12. It’s rare for me to watch TV. I would much rather tune into my favorite Twitch streamer (Jordan Hanz, check her out here) or getting lost in a YouTube rabbit hole.
13. Coffee is my life line. I love coffee everyday, but my favorite is a light roast with chocolate soy milk. I also love tea, but 9/10’s I’ll choose coffee.
14. I don’t have any tattoos… yet! My Mum and I have a plan to get matching tats to honor our late kitty/ best friend Oliver.
    
15. I have an obsession with the sky. I love the sunrise, and the sunset. Big fluffy clouds bring me so much joy.
    
16. I am a firm believer in the law of attraction. The idea that you get back the energy you put into the universe, if you expel negative energy you attract negative experiences. Likewise, if you expel positive energy you will attract positive experiences.
17. I also have BIG DREAMS. One day I am going to have my own makeup line!! I’ll keep you posted with that 😉
18. When I was in high school my dream job was to be a pilot, turns out I wasn’t as into all the work that comes along side aviation training – life has other plans, but I will plan on checking flying a plane off my bucket list!
19. My Mum picked my name from a Women’s World magazine because she liked the spelling.
20. My all time favorite artist is Vincent Van Gogh. I share his love of the sky, and the colour yellow and I firmly believe we would of been best friends if we had of been alive the same era. The Starry Night is my favorite painting.
    
21. If you’re familiar with the Myers Briggs Type Indicator my personality type is INFJ, the extroverted introvert. From what I’ve read INFJ is eerily spot on. What’s your MBTI?
22. I’m a list maker. I have a list for everything, I think that goes pretty hand in hand with my notebook addiction.
23. I’m scared of caterpillars. Honestly, I don’t like butterflies or moths either they creep me out.
24. I can basically recite every line to Joe Dirt, I’ve seen the movie more times than I can count. Life’s a garden, dig it.
25. I have extremely vivid dreams. A spend a lot of time trying to determine if something happened in real life of my dreams. There has been so many times I’ve woken up panicking because the dream was so real.

Wow! It was surprisingly hard to actually come up with 25 facts! If there is anything else you want to know about me just ask I’m really friendly I promise!

Thank you guys so much for reading, I’m stoked to finally be sharing a bit more about myself on the blog! I’ve recently been having visions of me sitting in fancy coffee shops blogging away sipping  delicious lattes and wearing floppy hats 🙂 So expect to see more blog posts because I’m going to turn those visions into a reality! Let me know what types of posts you guys you like to see more of!

I hope you all have the most wonderful day!
BIG LOVE
Ashleigh Leanne

Oh and if you’re wondering, I’m a Pisces.

Hello Sexy ;) A Skincare Blog

hello sexy! 

I’m totally kidding, I’m just being cheeky… Hello Sexy is the name of the product duo I’ll be reviewing today!

A product review? Weird for this blog, right?! Something you may not know about me is that I am very passionate about makeup! Especially face and body paint, and special effects makeup! You can visit my Instagram if you’re interested in seeing pictures of my work! Since I am so heavily involved in the world of cosmetics skincare is one of my top priorities!

Today I want to review the Sephora Beauty Insider Birthday Gift Duo “Hello Sexy” featuring the Glamglow Supermud clearing treatment and Glowstarter mega illuminating moisturizer. Since receiving then I have put them to the test. Just coming out of the winter season my skin has been dry and dull, with small flare ups of pimples popping up here and there. I have used each of the products twice now and I am in LOVE.

First, let’s talk about the Supermud! I was scared to love this product at first because it’s rather pricey at $75 Canadian for a 50g tub! Buuuut price aside, I am IN LOVE. I have tried various charcoal face masks and I can by far say that this one has been my absolute favorite! It is designed for every skin type, and it’s aim is to visibly clear the complexion. It helps with reducing pores, acne, blemishes and oiliness! So far I have used this mask twice and both times I have noticed a difference in my skin! It does exactly what its supposed to and leaves my skin feeling not only clean, but soft and firm!

Now, the Glowstarter! I had the Nude Glow version, but it does come in two other shades! This moisturizer smells heavenly,  just like orange creamcicles and I have to admit that it smells SO GOOD that I wanted to TASTE it!!! but I practiced self control and held off! Sephora describes it as “A hydrating, super-charged cream with iridescent illuminating pearl particles to blur, reflect, and enhance your complexion for an instant luminous finish.” I couldn’t pick better words to describe it! It does exactly what it says it does, it smells amazing and makes my skin look super glowy! What more could you ask for?? Not to mention the light coverage it gives for no makeup days! 10/10 from me, I’ll definitely be repurchasing!

Here is a close up after using both products! No filter, just MAGIC 😀

Thanks for reading guys! If you like reviews this style let me know! I have plans to work a lot on the blog this year so feel free to give me suggestions on tops you’d like to hear about! Stay tuned for the next post which will be a 25 Random Facts About Me so you guys can get to know me more!

Click here to see a video of this routine!

Hope you all have an awesome Monday, take care!

BIG LOVE
AshleighLeanne

Borderline Personality Disorder: What is it??

It has been nearly a year since I have been diagnosed with BPD, otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder and I want to shed some light on this.

When I was first diagnosed I did not want any part of  my disorder. I was terrified. I had previously been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (which honestly I didn’t want to face either, but I used to calm myself down by saying at least I don’t have BPD.) The only thing I had read about BPD is that it was a life sentence and there was no cure, which is not true by the way… it was just all I knew. There is so much stigma surrounding mental health, and for some reason BPD is one of the most stereotyped psychiatric disorders. Initially, I was so ashamed of my BPD, I feared that I was losing my place in society and that people would think less of me. Hiding from the world, I felt so empty inside.

Over the the past year I have been teaching myself everything I need to know about BPD so that I can succeed in society just as anyone else. The most I learned the less scary my disorder was. The more I began to understand why I was feeling the way I was the easier it is for me to cope with my strong feelings and urges. I eventually built up the courage to share my story and I started my blog. I didn’t want anyone that might be going through what I am going through to feel alone. It know that knowledge leads to compassion and understanding which helps make the diagnosis less scary, not only for the person going through it, but for their friends and family as well.

So what is BPD? Borderline Personality Disorder is a long term pattern of unusual behavior characterized by unstable relationships, unstable sense of self, and unstable emotions. This means that a person living with BPD may have difficulty regulating and handling their emotions and/or difficulty controlling their urges.

There are nine symptoms in the DSM-5 that cover BPD. To be diagnosed you have to identify with at least 5 of the 9 symptoms, that being do not self diagnose yourself, if you think you are struggling and identify with the symptoms please consult a doctor or therapist.

1. Frantic attempts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Many times this core symptom of BPD, and often it involves isolating yourself to avoid abandonment.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This black and white thinking is often referred to as ‘splitting’, and it is often the people closest to us that feel the whiplash of this symptom.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. Feeling like you don’t fit or belong, anywhere. This can lead to having a distorted or devalued self of self image and constantly questioning who you are.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging. Some examples, but not limited to: reckless driving, reckless spending, reckless sex, substance abuse, binge eating.
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior. Sometimes with it is difficult to cope, the intensity of painful emotions can turn to self hatred. ( To learn more about self harm, check out my blog post: Coping Mechanisms
6.  Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood  intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety. Mood swings can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness. Feeling like nothing and constantly searching for something to fill the void.
8. Intense, inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger. Frequent displaces of tempter, constant anger and recurrent physical fights. Often these outbursts of anger follow with incredible guilt.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid idealization, delusions or severe dissociation symptoms. Disconnecting from your thoughts or self identity. For me it feels like I am not real at all. It feels like I am watching my life without being able to interact. Things happen in slow motion, and I can tell that something is wrong, I just can’t quite snap out of it.

What causes BPD? It is said that genetic inheritance, biology, as well as environment can all play as contributing factors, but there is no direct known cause of BPD. BPD has no preferences, and it is something that anyone can be living with. You could have BPD if you came from validating stable environment, or you could have it if you come from a less than validating environment.

When I was first diagnosed I was lead to believe that there is not cure for BPD. I believed that I would be struggling with the symptoms of this disorder for my entire life. I want to make sure you know that, the last sentence I wrote is complete bullshit. With specialized treatment to conquer borderline personality disorder you are more than capable. Through DBT, Dialectal Behavioral Therapy I have working to overcome many of my struggles. DBT teaches core skills in areas that someone living with BPD might not be strong with. DBT was developed by Psychologist Marsha Linehan specifically to help those living with BPD. Linehan also is someone who lives with the disorder, and she is very passionate to seeing that those in need get the help they need.
Check out her DBT skills manual here : DBT Skills Training Manual – Marsha Linehan

I hope this helped you understand more about what exactly BPD is, and what it is like to experience the symptoms of it. If you are someone that needs help please reach out. Believe me I know how terrifying reaching out can be, but please also believe me when I tell you it is worth it. Your life is more than worth it, and you deserve to be living your best life. 🙂

BIG LOVE, EVERYONE ❤
ashleighleanne